Saturday, August 12, 2017
6:50 a.m. I am so aware of just killing time – reading, playing Tetris, sleeping – anything to pass the time, and any work I happen to do is just another way of filling the time. And then there is binge-eating when the discomfort gets too great. What am I going to do?
7:50 a.m. I suppose it is useless to ask questions rhetorically when I can hope for an answer. Why do I kill time and if I did not, what would I do?
Is it not the lack of suitable occupation that leads you to kill time? If you cannot produce something, you don’t have any other ideas. But is this not an advance, to realize it?
I don’t know. All my life I have read and killed time.
Madame Blavatsky played solitaire – Patience – for day after day. How is it different?
So what is going on? I am taking it to be my recognition of the emptiness of my life.
Perhaps everyone’s life has this emptiness, as you are calling it, at their core. Some escape into productive activity, some into meaningless activity, some into work punctuated by play, actively or casually, according to taste. Relatively few, perhaps, see the emptiness as it is, a sea of opportunity.
Is it opportunity if you don’t know what to do with it?
Opportunity is; what you do with it does not reflect on the possibilities you did not see or take advantage of. But maybe your lives are not about filling them but experiencing them.
Say more.
If you were to fill your life with danger or excitement or nonstop amusements – as some do – you might never feel the weight of the time to be filed, but the reality would remain, perceived or not.
If you were to embark upon a life of contemplation and prayer, or of Zen-like non-doing, the time would still be being filled; it is only a different form of activity. Non-doing may be seen as an advanced awareness of the emptiness of doing, but really, you are still sitting there while the time goes by.
Study, writing, creating art, engaging in community activities, warfare and preparing for warfare, craftsmanship, teaching or nurturing others – you name it, it may still be properly described as passing the time until you can be free of it all.
What you are experiencing is not the emptiness of life but the tyranny of time – and time is a tyrant only if you choose to look at it in that way. It is entirely as correct to see it as the drillmaster, or the regulator.
It is true, I have always, even as a young child, been aware of the impossibility of moving forward in time any faster than it carries us. It was an imprisoning feeling, in a way. Yet now at the far end of this long life it feels like I let it all slip by without ever figuring out what it was I was supposed to do!
And here I remind you of the difference between a life doing and a life being. To do may, among many other things, serve to blur or ignore the question of what you are here for. To be, without doing, is essentially not possible. But even if it were possible, what could it do but heighten the question of why you are positioned wherever you are, being?
Well, you don’t have to persuade me! Isn’t that more or less what I said? So what do we do, how do we be, imprisoned or cuddled in time as we are?
You tell us. How do you live? Your life as lived is your answer.
I don’t know, I can’t get much out of that. What is the point of a stretch of days that are either filled with activity or filled with inactivity or are alternates of one and the other, none of it meaning anything ultimately? Yes, we’re here. Yes, we make decisions and shape ourselves. Yes, we bring our 3D-hardened selves to become part of the All-D library. But – begging your pardon for any ingratitude – what is the point of it all? And if it is meaningful, why doesn’t it feel that way? Not a rhetorical question, so I hope you won’t just leave the question hanging, nor the questioner.
But we have answered it. Your life is its own purpose. The living-out of who you are – regardless how you play the role, since you are creating the character as you go – is the point of it.
I don’t think that answers my question. What is this feeling of emptiness at the core? If it is there for everyone, it says either something is wrong with life – which I am not inclined to think – or something is wrong with the way we live our life, or we are missing something.
You are tempted to compare your civilized lies with the lives of the indigenous peoples which seem so much more organic and contented.
Yes, I am, and before you say I wouldn’t be contented as an aborigine, I already know that. My American who lived with an Indian family [Joseph Smallwood. Couldn’t remember his name!] appreciated it, enjoyed it, but it wasn’t enough, any more than living among the whites was enough. I would need books and many abstract things; I could not simplify back to such a life. And who knows if they feel that emptiness too? They don’t seem to, but how would we know?
The emptiness at the heart of things is always there, but what you make of it differs. What is a void to some is a creative matrix to others. What is futility to one is possibility to another.
Empty formulas, is what this sounds like to me, at the moment.
Then hear this. A human is a herd animal and an individual, and every human is on a different point in the scale between individual and family. If you live at the edge of the herd, your senses will be sharper for the things of the world that are not communal, at the price of not sharing in the warmth of the group.
I read all that in van der Post.
And it resonated. Do you suppose there is a reason for that?
Very funny. So, in practice–
In practice what can you do but remain awake and see what develops? There is no point – and really, for anyone in this fix, no possibility – in trying to become un-aware of the emptiness, or let’s say the eye of the storm. If some can anesthetize themselves against the awareness, that is no different from some refusing to look at the fact that at some point everybody dies. But if you have been given awareness, it is impossible and undesirable for you to try to return the gift. Can’t be done, shouldn’t be done, and ultimately if it could be done, a different kind of emptiness – the emptiness of despair – would naturally take its place.
I didn’t expect this to develop into a regular session, but, since it did, I will type it up and post it, and see if anybody else feels the same way. It was odd, being unable to remember Joseph’s name.
You and I were far away from Joseph at that moment.
I’m not sure what that means.
Another time.
If you say so. All right, then, thank you, and we’ll see what develops.
All of us experience that to some degree and at one time or another, so the conversation is useful to read. But it’s also good to read because every conversation you have with Rita adds to the richness of the picture Rita is giving us and helps me to understand It a little bit better and incorporate that understanding into my life. Many thanks for continuing the conversation and making it available.
This is a topic (questioning what am I doing) that arises daily for me. Like TGU held forth, it often comes back to being vs. doing for me. For “being”, I often use meditation and body-energy work daily to bring me back to a sense of well being. I have a range of sound meditations that I use depending on my circumstances. I also get outside each day in appreciation (usually in our garden). These things reduce my resistances to the non-physical stream that I can often perceive.
For “doing” especially while questioning my boredom, I also play card games for brief periods at the computer. It is often helpful as a diversion, before I transition to the next focus.
One thing that I noticed did not get discussed above (which seems missing to my eye on this subject) is attraction … what am I attracted to? … I find that doing and being often combine when I am additionally attracted to something and doing something related to the attraction (e.g., being and doing are no longer separate). My being-ness seems more naturally present. I feel momentum when I am attracted to something (doing and being). It is like:
“The better I feel, the more I allow.”
Frank, I admit that I do not understand all of your process for presenting (and enduring) the writing of your books (which I noticed you are currently doing with both Rita and Hemingway separately). However, I am wondering if you are feeling some burnout and maybe need a break (before your TMI class next week)?
We have had a steady stream of conversations (thanks to your focusing) with Rita since June 30th. As a small group here, we now seem a bit stuck on finding the appropriate “All-D metaphor” in the ongoing process with Rita. Wondering if some of these things are related.
My perceptions, of course.
I don’t think it’s burnout, because the feeling is always with me. I’m not even sure it’s a bad thing; it is just a constant.
ok … thanks for clarifying …
and lol … just noticed that you edited my comment … I did not expect that but not surprised … you are on your beam 😉
Thanks for naming it. I think that’s bold and takes some courage. I can feel as if I’m going to fall into that void at the center. I used to think it was tied to being single or away from family–just lonely. But I’m with you. I think it’s the constant that holds the center, and it’s important for us to not just know that, but to know we’re of it. I’m working on that. Thanks for the help.
Rita said “What is futility to one is possibility to another.”
Take what you like and leave the rest…Your mileage may vary…The glasses I chose to wear early in childhood, and large spans of adulthood were my response to life relationships, and these glasses were the belief system “I’m not good enough”. It’s my deepest negative thought. It’s a dysfunctional thing to believe, so I did everything I could to prove myself I was “good enough”. Nevertheless, what other’s would see as success, I saw as “not good enough.”
At a real level there’s part of me that thinks that believing I am “not good enough” keeps me alive! I rarely allowed myself to experience my choices and activities as “good enough”. I projected my whole “not good enough” lie on my world and all areas of my life. I recently stopped moving forward in multiple areas, even with the highest intentions and goals, for I believed myself not good enough to successfully take action, and even if I reached those goals, THAT still wouldn’t be good enough!
I felt weird, for my ILC was supporting me in moving forward with those goals and desires, while I was feeling totally unworthy.
In the past I sabotaged my success and good feeling since I unconsciously thought myself not good enough and undeserving of achieving my desires. Life itself seemed so utterly incapable of every being worthwhile (good enough.) I had made too many mistakes and it was too late I told myself. This seems to relate to the “futility” that Rita mentions.
In the last couple days I moved from futility and meaninglessness to possibility with that awareness of my self condemnation and it’s emotional impact. I am in the first few days of a rigorous daily thought rework to replace that lie/worldview with “I am good enough”! With that choice, that affirmation, with these new eyes, the world immediately is becoming much more satisfying, meaningful and worthwhile. Regardless of what I accomplish or not, the KNOWING that I am good enough – deserving enough – allows me to have a life that’s doesn’t seem futile, and seems to have a lot more choices! The power of thought indeed.
Frank,
Sometime during Rita’s first cycle I posted about hearing/feeling guidance high-fiving, giggling, and being very excited about what you and Rita were bringing through. Over time that quieted down to calm commentary, a nod of agreement here and a I’d-say-it-this-way there. That three-way conversation was always a pleasure: me, you/Rita, and guidance.
When this last cycle started, the tone became more one of contemplation and consideration (similar to our 3D thinking) as if this material is new and less known to them. There’s less ‘information’ from them, as if they are listening just as I do.
This post seems to come as a shock; I’d articulate the reaction as “Oh &@!#*, is he going to go THERE?!” (Guidance’s shock comes as a shock to me, as I assumed they ‘looked over’ Rita’s shoulder as she worked with you — but then what do I know?). What little I pick up is the struggle with ‘emptiness’ is something they know well. The Change (Rita’s term) or ‘shift in consciousness’ (Elias’ term) relates to this struggle’; perhaps 3D and non-3D growing closer together gives us a chance to work on this together.
Rita’s line “A human is a herd animal and an individual” reminds me of the tension between structure and freedom. I observe that finding structure that supports and enhances ones search for understanding and freedom is important; could TMI point toward that structure for you?
Jim
Hi Frank & All.
Remarkable with “the timing” of the postings upon your blog Frank.
At the “timebeing” I`m in the mood of “not thinking upon anything special.” But last night good not go to sleep(as I felt very much “awake”), and went to watch the TV. And occassionally came upon a video-reconstruction of a real happening in Canada…. and of course produced in Canada likewise. I am always surprised over how it is possible TO CREATE all the films and the happenings….thinking HOW COME the peoples to have all THE IMAGINATION of the making.
The documenatary & reconstruction happened to be about a Canadian COLONEL, a well-known Airforce Commander, and decorated from his participation in Afghanistan. A high-ranking and a very popular officer among his fellow compaions & comrades of the Airforce Base.
He was ALWAYS helpful to everybody both on hiswork as well as in his neighbrhood where he lived. He was married but had no children only a cat which he treated as a dear baby, and among his neighbours a well-reapected guy. Always helping his neighbours when needed. Never ” a no” from his mouth when somebody asking for a helping hand.
Well, it turned out in the very kind Colonel to be a psycopath, a serial killer and torturist of many females about in the county.
My hat off for the Canadian detectives and the Canadian Police Force in tracing the abusement of MANY females … and in the end the killings done by the most respected and popular Colonel, the Commander of the huge Air-Force Base there. It turned out the Colonel to have tortured and killed a female airforce employee too.
The detectives managed in secrecy going into his house/home, when his wife was away, and searching for more proof against him, which they found ther of course hidden upon his PC. The Colonel had filmed himself and the victims on a video-camera.
Now he is sitting in prison/yale, for the rest of his life-time together with other serial killers in the most guarded prison in Canada.
Usually when watching TV never to take it “seriously” and soon to forget what to watch on the screen….Thinking it is “nuts.”
But last night got a emotional SHOCK about the psychopath`s mind, and what they does! They usually to have the high INTELLIGENCE in to cover “the weakest link” about their traces. They will be “experts” behind false masks.
They have the need “in filling their empty time” because of their own satisfaction & excitement, according to the clinical observations by the proffessionals in psychiatry. The Colonel was not deemed/judged as “insane/mad” but sentenced to a lifelong prison until his death.
Peculiar enough fell into a dreamless sleep afterwards….Hm, but told my husband about the Canadian Air Force Colonel at the breakfast table this morning. And my husbands comment about the story when I am telling him of what the Airforce Colonel had done: “I do not believe in it: How come the psychic testing among the Air Force Crew/Employees, and also among all the base-employees, as a rule, NOT “catching” a sick mind ! As the crew will be tested all the way from time-to-time ( as my husband once upon a time were among “the airforce-crew”).
Wonder WHY the reason, in me all of a sudden, to watch TV ( very late), last night ? OH YES, I have learned something NEW, or ? How to be shocked ?
Maybe to learn more about the human nature ?…or how to overcome the world ?
Was it not our good old friend John Wolff who once told of feeling bored after his retirement and began to play Golf again ?
A interresting Hobby is a good thing filling up “space,” if it is FELT good of course.
Thinking about late Louis Armstrong with the popular song: “What a Wonderful World.”
B & B, Inger Lise.
WOW ! “When sitting here right now upon your blog Frank, and to end my story from last night….. NOW, in this very moment, “heard” all of a sudden, in my mind this clear sentence coming from nowhere: “You cannot overlooking the evil among you.”
Your final sentence is an interesting synchronicity, considering my journal entry this morning that i am about to transcribe and post.
Thank you Frank and Rita for this wide open exchange! Frank, I think you and I are at the same stage of life and I often feel as you described.
Perhaps you could ask Rita about her reflections on life in the body:
1. Does Rita miss being in a body? If so – what does she miss?
2. Does Rita have any regrets about the way she utilized her last 3D life? With her new perspective, Is she satisfied with the way she spent her time or would she have done things differently?
3. As she has told us, she no longer experiences the tyranny of time. What are the possible options for Rita now? What kinds of experiences are open to her (acknowledging that she is now part of a larger being). Moment to moment, does she have different experiences?
Speaking for myself – I am trying to understand B (non 3D) so I can better understand and appreciate A (3D) – the ultimate catch 22.
Thank you Frank and Rita for all your efforts on our behalf.
Interesting questions. I will ask.
Hi Frank,
It’s been a while since I commented on your blog, but the malaise you describe, in my opinion, has its roots in our collective ‘time is money’ misconception. Some years ago I abandoned the Gregorian calendar for the 13 Moon calendar which has at its base the concept ‘time is art’. In such a system the concept of wasting time never arises. Time is art, nature is proof.
It is impossible to waste time, since time is not a commodity. Only the insanity caused by our unconscious adherence to a broken timing system makes us think such nonsense.
Interesting. Don’t see what Frank describes as malaise. My inner question has been something like: “why was I put here, what am I supposed to do?” So I feel I have felt something similar. But for me this has recently developed into a knowing of sorts, that that particular feeling is pointing out that there’s something still invisible, still unknown, that is stirring, wanting to be born, to be seen and recognised. The potential for something that has not seen the light of our kind of day. The bigger me is wiggling its limbs so that the physical me can feel it and interprets it so that what the physical me is having is not enough. It feels empty and futile, all that effortin life, as if it were a waste. But the actual message is: There is more that wants to come, but the only way is to open, so it can flow.