Hesitating at the brink

This entry is from January, 2006. The redefinition they offered at that time, I take to have begun in December 2014, when Rita and I began working again.

Sunday, January 15, 2006, 6:45 a.m.

Another odd night. I was awake repeatedly but didn’t really lose sleep; it was more like a segment would finish, I’d be back here checking in, then another segment, and the times between seemed longer than the clock time indicated.

Another thing; as I went to bed I felt I might be going to get sick. My chest was cold, it seemed to thicken. I think my head started to fill (can’t remember) but I quietly determined that I wouldn’t, and after a while it all settled down and I forgot about it till now.

F: So. Here we are again. I shied away from that discussion about TGU versus any one of you. Why? It is as if I wasn’t ready to hear it – or as if I hadn’t finished making up the answer! But in fact I don’t know why. So I guess I’m ready for you at least to tell me why I’m gun-shy, and then the rest if you can get it through the pipeline.

TGU: This is a bigger subject than you consciously know. You recognize that you almost wish the question had not been raised, but you don’t know why. It is because you know, too, that “here comes another hit on my belief system.” But that is a danger of exploration – that at some point you will find something that reevaluates – or forces you to do the re-evaluating, rather! – everything you think you sort of know from experience.

When you first go exploring, that is the easy part, at least for a certain temperament. You start, knowing that what you think you know is probably wrong and certainly inadequate. For the first long phase, it is all gain. Each discovery is an item, one more useful trophy. If it doesn’t seem to fit very well into anything, that’s all right, maybe it will fit better later; maybe further discoveries will demonstrate where and how it fits; maybe it will be the key to fitting in other things. And in fact this is your assumption, your reliance, and your experience.

But after a while you have begun to accumulate. You have begun to perceive patterns. You have worked at trying this fit, that fit, another fit. At some point impossible to predict in advance, you obtain a pattern that more or less accommodates your new data, and more or less fits in with older data – via a new interpretation – and you feel that you once again have found firm footing, firm ground.

At that point the temptation becomes strong to stop finding or stop recognizing new pieces that might require readjustment of the new footing. Small accommodations, yes, but not major ones. For one thing, it starts to look rash, given that perhaps a bit more data would reconcile the stubborn item with the rest. For another, it may be that the new item is wrong, and the more that has gone before it, and the better it has fit together, the stronger the weight of evidence has to be if you are to justify overthrowing it or even modifying it heavily. And there is sheer weariness. “I’m tired of never knowing where I am!”

Now, in this you will recognize what you have criticized in materialist science. But it isn’t peculiar to science or to theology either; it is a human response to the continual overthrow of the familiar and even the newly absorbed.

Beware premature clarity. Yet – as in all things in the world of polarities and duality – beware never coming to a useful conclusion, never proceeding with what you have, rather than waiting endlessly for a standard of completion and certainty that may be impossible to obtain.

So that is why you hesitated at the brink. And if you choose to move now in another direction, we have no objection. After all, there is a tremendous amount of material you have been given in just the past five years, still unexpressed though we will say surprisingly much of it absorbed and lived – which is the important thing.

F: Well, I think I’m going to surprise you – and myself, to a degree – and take you up on the postponement. I sense that I’m not ready for more uncertainty – or rather, more at-sea-ness, if that is a word. I need some closure first. I would like to get some of all this out into the world first, and I am rather filled with dismay at the thought of having to do it all again – and mostly the thought of having all that trackless sea around me again. The only reason not to defer this would be if it is in my best interest, or the best interests of the readers of the project itself – “project” meaning our on-going project of bringing light. In short, if it is better in your judgment for me to overrule my desire for some closure at this point, fine, let’s do it. And if it would hamper my future growth, the same. Only if it is a matter of preference between equally valid paths would I say let’s let the new material ride for a time.

TGU: Don’t think for a moment that we do not appreciate the willingness to take the less comfortable path. “Your will not mine,” Jesus said. “Let the decision be made by the total self,” Bob Monroe said. Three versions of the same willingness to let the lesser be guided by the greater. This very willingness is the most important contribution that anyone can make, because it puts the center into the center.

There is no reason not to pause, or rather – knowing you – to lay down this particular set of strands so that in a while you may pick up others. You do, in truth, have a daunting amount of work to do.

F: Yes and let’s talk about that. I feel utterly physically inadequate to the task. It is as if – well, I guess it isn’t “as if” I guess in fact it is that – I have years of accumulated physical work to do, that is actually getting in my way. So much material, just from my journals! It isn’t like I’m researching elsewhere. It is so much that I’m starting to shrink from it.

TGU: Don’t forget to routinize. Get yourself a work schedule – again! – and hold to it. This includes a non-work, even an anti-work, schedule. There wouldn’t be anything wrong in taking that painting course with Carolyn.


One thought on “Hesitating at the brink

  1. Thank you so much for this, and more so for the path you are walking and sharing with us. This expresses so much of what goes on inside, and that inner turmoil is severe, just as you’ve expressed it. “leaving port” not knowing where it’s going, not even knowing for sure that you are not misguiding yourself (and others) creates a constant battle, and the challenge seems overwhelming at times. Why? I ask myself that often. I know I always have the choice to stand pat for a while.

    I’m there again, hesitating for all of the same reasons. The difficulty, the uncertainty, the not wanting to face the relearning. Relearning means that I didn’t really understand, and what I thought I knew was just another provisional stab at truth. And whether the groping is “public” in the 3D or not, it’s all on the record anyway.

    Then the voice says, “Get used to it. It’s going to always be this way.”

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