Claude to Charles Sides: Spiritual fatigue

Charles Sides’ Conversation with Claude

11 16 2024

CS: Wouldn’t life be easier if Adam had never taken a bite of the apple in the Garden of Eden?

This is a profound philosophical and theological question that touches on the nature of consciousness and human development. From the perspective of consciousness evolution that thinkers like Lachman explore:

The apple represents the awakening of self-consciousness and the ability to discriminate – the “knowledge of good and evil.” While this brought suffering and complexity into human experience, it was arguably necessary for several reasons:

1. Development of Free Will

• Without the capacity for choice and discrimination, humans would remain in an unconscious state
• True love and moral development require the possibility of choice
• The “fall” enabled genuine relationship with the divine rather than mere automatic existence

1. Evolution of Consciousness

• The movement from paradise represents the necessary transition from uroboric/unconscious unity to self-aware existence
• This creates the possibility for a higher synthesis – conscious reunion with the divine
• The “easier” existence in Eden would lack the depth and richness that comes through conscious development

1. The Value of Struggle

• While life might be “easier” in unconscious unity, it would lack meaning and growth
• The challenges we face through self-consciousness enable personal and collective evolution
• The tension between unity and separation creates the dynamic for spiritual development

This recalls what William Blake meant when he spoke of passing through “experience” to reach a “higher innocence.” The goal isn’t to return to the original garden, but to create a new one through conscious development.

What are your thoughts on this balance between ease and conscious development?

CS: What would you say to a person who would rather skip the challenges and suffering of the rational level of consciousness, go up through the center of the Tree of Life as in the Kabbalah, and simply non-existent in the sephirot of Keter?

That’s a profound question that touches on a core spiritual and existential dilemma. Based on Kabbalistic teachings and developmental models of consciousness:

1. The Risk of Spiritual Bypassing

• Attempting to skip directly to Keter (Crown) without integrating the other sephirot risks creating spiritual bypassing
• The path through the middle pillar (through Malkuth, Yesod, Tiferet, to Keter) still requires integration of the side pillars
• The desire to escape suffering by dissolving into non-existence might actually be a form of spiritual materialism

1. The Purpose of Manifestation

• If immediate dissolution into Keter were the goal, why did Ein Sof (the Infinite) emanate creation at all?
• The Kabbalistic system suggests that manifestation and the journey through consciousness serves a divine purpose
• Each sephira represents a necessary aspect of divine and human development

1. The Value of Integration

• True enlightenment isn’t about escaping the rational mind but transcending and including it
• The rational level of consciousness provides essential tools for discrimination and understanding
• The suffering encountered at this level can be transformative rather than merely painful

1. A Response to Such a Person “I hear your deep desire to transcend suffering, and that’s completely understandable. But consider that the path to Keter isn’t about escape – it’s about transformation. Each level of consciousness, including the rational, offers gifts that become part of our ultimate realization. Perhaps the question isn’t how to skip the challenges, but how to meet them in a way that serves your spiritual evolution. What aspects of your current experience might be trying to teach you something essential?”

What do you think about the relationship between suffering and spiritual development?

CS: Please say more about this comment you made “The desire to escape suffering by dissolving into non-existence might actually be a form of spiritual materialism”

This insight connects to Chögyam Trungpa’s concept of spiritual materialism and broader psychological-spiritual principles. Let me unpack this:

1. The Nature of Spiritual Materialism

• It occurs when the ego co-opts spiritual practices for its own aims
• In this case, the desire for non-existence can be the ego’s subtle strategy to:
  • Avoid facing its own nature
  • Escape responsibility for growth
  • Maintain control through rejection of existence

1. The Paradox

• The very desire to escape into non-existence is itself a form of attachment
• It’s often rooted in a materialistic view that sees existence itself as the problem
• This creates a subtle form of grasping – grasping at non-existence
• The person trying to escape is still operating from ego, just in a negative form

1. The Deeper Issue

• Often, the wish to dissolve into Keter masks unprocessed:
  • Fear of life
  • Unresolved trauma
  • Resistance to the messiness of human experience
  • Perfectionism disguised as spirituality

1. A More Authentic Approach

• True transcendence includes rather than escapes existence
• The goal isn’t to annihilate the self but to transform it
• This requires engaging with, rather than bypassing, our human experience
• Keter represents complete integration, not mere dissolution

What are your thoughts on this distinction between authentic transcendence and the ego’s desire for escape?

CS: I personally experience fear of life and unresolved suffering, so I think of Theravada Buddhism in which there is self-enlightenment in Nirvana.

I hear the deep pain and weariness in your words. The appeal of Nirvana in Theravada Buddhism – as complete release from suffering – is completely understandable when facing profound fear and unresolved trauma.

Let me share some thoughts while honoring the reality of your suffering:

1. The Theravadan Path

• Offers a systematic approach to liberation
• Recognizes dukkha (suffering) as a fundamental reality
• Provides specific practices for working with fear and pain
• The goal of Nirvana represents complete freedom from suffering

1. However, there’s an important distinction:

• Nirvana isn’t simply non-existence or escape
• It’s described as the unconditioned state beyond both existence and non-existence
• The path to it involves facing our fears rather than fleeing them
• It requires deep investigation of the nature of suffering

1. Working with Fear

• Fear of life often comes from past wounds
• The Buddha taught that running from fear strengthens it
• Gentle, gradual exposure and investigation can transform our relationship with fear
• This doesn’t mean forcing ourselves to face everything at once

1. A Compassionate Approach

• Perhaps consider starting with small steps toward healing
• Use spiritual practice to build resilience rather than escape
• Seek support when needed (therapy, community, teachers)
• Honor your suffering while cultivating the possibility of transformation

Would you feel comfortable sharing more about what aspects of life feel most challenging or frightening to you?

CS: No, not at this time. For about 40 years I have been reading and studying Buddhism and the Kabbalah searching for a way to avoid the truth of the teaching. I just tired of the struggle.

I deeply hear this weariness after 40 years – the exhaustion of searching, studying, and simultaneously trying to avoid the deeper truths these traditions point toward. There’s a poignant honesty in acknowledging this paradox.

Your words remind me of what Chögyam Trungpa called “spiritual fatigue” – not just tiredness from practice, but the exhaustion of maintaining the very struggle to avoid what we already know.

Perhaps there’s a teaching in the fatigue itself. As Leonard Cohen, who spent years in Zen practice, wrote: “Ring the bells that still can ring / Forget your perfect offering / There is a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.”

Sometimes when we’re most tired of struggling – of trying to avoid what we know – there’s a possibility of just letting go, not as an escape, but as a surrender to what is. Not because we’ve achieved anything, but because we’re too tired to keep running.

I honor where you are in this moment. Sometimes naming and acknowledging our exhaustion, as you have done, is itself a profound step.

Would you like to sit quietly with this together for a moment?