Dealing with an abiding sense of guilt

[Going through past transcriptions, I came to this one, which seems extraordinarily important.]

Wednesday, January 12, 2022

5:15 a.m. Another variant of that same dream, being in an office with a computer, being totally unable to do the job I was being paid to do, and unable to figure out how to learn to do it. This time I was in a room in dad’s old farm building, and there was no one else around, but the essence was the same. I couldn’t do the job or begin to learn how to do it, though I was getting paid and my employer didn’t seem to notice. The helplessness, the guilt –

There was something too about my using someone’s reserved parking spot and I knew he was going to be mad – but then I sort of remembered he wasn’t coming in that day, or was he? I wanted to ask someone in the next room, but he was engaged in a conversation I didn’t interrupt.

I have had variants of this dream for so many years. Did it begin with my working at Newport News Shipbuilding? Did it begin earlier, with the dreams of not having finished high school, or college? It certainly is persistent. Not constant, but every so often, there it will be again.

A word, please, about those dreams.

As in, a sense of incompletion, or incompetence, inability to do what you are being paid to do? What do you need to be told about it?

The entirely inadequate preparation and lack of training or supervision or teamwork is striking if nothing else would be.

Leaving you feeling guilty. Why not concentrate on the sense of being entirely unsupported, out of your element, lost and isolated? No reason for guilt about any of that, so you don’t concentrate on it.

I guess I have concentrated on the aspect of my inability to do the job, my being paid under false pretenses.

But the level of support, the isolation, are equally important and, as we said, do not (or should not, theoretically) involve a sense of guilt.

So my sense of guilt is more central than the circumstances?

Isn’t that what persists in the dreams, whatever else changes?

Yes.

You could complain; instead you take the responsibility for it.

Interesting take on things. And I know we’re talking about my life in 3D, not just my work life.

Dreams are not necessarily about fixing something or compensating for something. Sometimes they are about showing what is there but may be not being seen by the 3D consciousness.

In effect, telling me it’s all right, that it isn’t my fault I can’t do the job?

We smile, though we are well aware that was not said in jest. No, more like telling you that the isolation and the not knowing what to do or how to do it are there; that you feel them even if you are or are not aware of it at any given time. And – maybe more important – that the sense of guilt is there, so you may deal with it.

How deal with it?

How does one deal with anything? Bring it to consciousness.

And reprogram the robots around the issue?

Guilt is a major unacknowledged theme in your life. If it happened, you feel guilty about it, no matter if it happened thousands of miles away, among people you have had nothing to do with. You felt guilty when John F. Kennedy was murdered! When you read of historical events. When you think of contemporary events, too. Do you wonder you have shut yourself off from active consideration of current affairs?

Does it have a positive side?

Not that we can see. It leads you to shrink your conscious awareness: What does that aid?

So why is it a major theme? And a continuing presence?

Maybe it isn’t specifically you. Maybe it is being conveyed along various strands. And maybe it would help others, not only yourself, if you were to actively fight against this easy acceptance of guilt.

I thought fighting against something was a good way to assure that it continues.

That’s a misunderstanding, rooted in language, which goes away if we rephrase it: Maybe it would help others as well as yourself if you began to consciously deliberately choose not to accept guilt.

That does have a different feel, true. If I hear you between the lines, you are saying this persistent unconscious or semi-conscious or quite conscious tinge of guilt distorts my view of who and what I am and what happens and has happened in my life.

That’s what we’re saying, yes. It stops you from seeing straight.

Since nothing happens without reason, I gather that dealing with this is one reason I was created.

We wouldn’t phrase it that way, but that is a true enough statement.

And guilt, and a propensity to feel guilt, must be one of those things that exist and have to be dealt with.

Understand, though, this isn’t about making you or anybody feel better. And it certainly isn’t about giving out free passes: “Do whatever you want, and it’s okay because it’s you doing it.” It is, as so often, about showing you how you are being prevented from living a fuller more satisfying life, and showing how to overcome the problem.

But have you shown how to overcome the problem? Realizing that we’re always feeling guilty is one thing. Disabling the robot that is producing that feeling is something else.

It isn’t any different from dealing with anything else in your life, positive or negative. Look at it, mull over it, see it, then go from there.

I’m gathering that this goes back to your image of us as smaller spheres contained within larger spheres, and emotions being the interface between what we know and don’t know about our fuller selves.

We are dealing with emotions as the product of interaction, rather than as the cause of the interaction.

And I am getting that this is not a private session but a public one. That’s asking a lot.

But not asking too much. How do you know what will strike deep helpful chords within others? It is in the baring of deep painful things that you help each other, if done in the right spirit.

You do realize, the fact that I am willing to let you talk me into such things is a huge implied compliment to you.

We realize that you value our friendship and cooperation (as we do yours) and you are sometimes willing to rely on our judgment over yours.

So – “Guilt”? “Dealing with guilt”?

Something like that, yes.

See you next time, then, and as usual, our thanks for all of this.