A continuation of Sunday, October 24, 2010
8:40 AM. Very interesting transmission. Very powerful morning. Today I can more or less structure the book, and write what needs to be written in the coming week.
The robot – the unacknowledged strand, whatever – that has stopped me from doing my work is the robot of overwhelm, the robot that instinctively always says any new job, any new responsibility, must be too much for me. Where do you come from?
From never catching up, never being up to speed.
And why is that? From earliest schooldays?
Of course, and home environment, and your being mostly AWOL when it came to living.
Living in the present, you mean. In the tangible present where we had malfunctioning lungs and confusing emotional crosscurrents and a huge reluctance to be in it.
The huge reluctance – strikes a chord, does it?
Does it not! Yes, that’s the same as I feel in the face of any new task, or any complicated or involved endeavor except one dealing with the editing of what already exists.
Words. So what are you doing now? You are bringing in words with great fluency from the other side. You are editing the result. You are balking at – what?
You tell me.
Achievement. Each new achievement threatens new complications, new effort.
But I want to achieve.
And you believe you don’t know enough, haven’t done enough, don’t yet deserve recognition.
Hmm. Yet in this field that is not true. I am on firm ground in so far as anybody can be on firm ground while walking on quicksand.
So nothing. Bob is willing to stake me, so to speak, others are reporting on the change it makes in them. No reason not to, and many reasons to – not least that I can then go on to other things and not leave this unfinished.
You are going to leave many things unfinished. That is the consequence of continual growth.
Okay with me. I guess I’m going to have to try to get my emotional life in order somehow, but I can’t quite see how. Greater consciousness, I suppose.
Sure. What else?
9 AM. That same not-good-enough robot that has stalked my life and blighted any possibility of achievement of what I really wanted or thought I wanted has been used to good effect to keep me on course, hasn’t it?
Of course. Life is nothing if not efficient, however inefficient it may appear to be. The perception of inefficiency merely is the disparity between an individual’s awareness of limited resources and the universe’s abundance.
Well, enough of not-good-enough.
That’s all it would have taken, at any time, but it’s also only theoretical that it could have been “at any time.”
Enough for me that we’ve gotten there.
You’ve got the helm. Take it where you want to take it.
Not quite that simple. It isn’t so much where I want to take it – as if it were at random – as where the ship is bound.
But you can get there in more than one way, equally “efficiently.”
It will require some brooding, or thought, or communing, or welling-up, or whatever.
11:40 AM. It appears that I have the structure of the manuscript.
A model of consciousness
the physical and nonphysical
the individual as convenient fiction
interaction with ourselves
society and us
how to shape your life
6:20 PM. Scratch “society and us,” add a conclusion. Now to write it.