Tuesday, June 29, 2010
5:30 AM. “Sometimes I feel like a motherless child” running through my head.
A dream in which I and many others had gone — and paid — to hear — Carl Jung? Colin Wilson? — speak. I had spoken of it to dad and he was there — several of my family were there, I think. Jung, not Colin. He spoke briefly and then disappeared and the audience waited and realized he wasn’t coming back. I went after him, climbing up into the bleachers to try to see where he had gone. Went around back somewhere. Was told he had gone, and felt quite bitter about it — it wasn’t fair that he should arrive, speak a few sentences and leave. I said, I think, it was just what Colin did, or was Colin’s fault (meaning, for letting himself be over-scheduled).
Went out to find my car covered in snow needing to be dug out (like all the other cars, of course).
What was that all about, pray?
You are forgetting other bits. You were trying to give your father a glimpse of your inner world, but circumstances not of your making prevented. You felt cheated, for of course the situation wasn’t typical of such occasions, wasn’t the way things are done, wasn’t right. And you were mightily disappointed because you’d wanted to hear the speaker, had hoped to absorb some of his wisdom. And then there was the chore of digging out from under that accumulated snow, so that you could drive away, suddenly ahead of you.
Disappointment followed by work meaningless but necessary, I hear.
Disappointment followed by hard searching followed by work in order to get on the move, yes. Don’t forget to transcribe our little interaction of last night.
9:15 PM. Gentlemen, I hope I am going to be worthy of your trust. This is shaping up to be a big job, and I don’t know if I’m industrious enough, organized enough, to accomplish it.
“The difference between doing it and not doing it is — doing it.” Michael [Langevin, whose saying it is,] is right.
I’ll tell him. But — how can I do it when I can’t seem to give it more than the initial session and the transcription and sending it out?
Habit will make it easier, as it made conversations easier.
Well, I hope so.
Righteous persistence —
I know. All right.
Very well. I notice, looking back, that toward the end yesterday you mentioned that allowing for more than one viewpoint “preserves your internal freedom of motion.” That seems connected to the car being covered with a deep layer of snow.
What is snow but frozen water that precipitated? Not ice that is also frozen water but formed standing, but frozen water from the skies. And water well represents the emotions, as something from the skies may represent messages from the gods.
That doesn’t seem entirely right. Dr. Jung, can you help me see this?
In this case you might look at it this way. Are you not feeling “snowed under” with the work you have ahead of you, with the sheer volume of material from the heavens? And was it not unexpected, did not come to you out of the blue? Taking the car as a representative of your earthly vehicle — your body — do you not need to do the work of freeing it from the burden of the snow that renders it unable to proceed even when the way has been cleared? In other words, are you not having to take care of your body — tending to your teeth, changing your patterns of eating — while doing all this?
Thank you, that is remarkably clear, given that I couldn’t make sense of it earlier — as in, when I set the pen to learn what you would say about it. And the earlier part of the dream?
You have felt yourself unable to get your family any glimpse of what you live — with the exception of one brother and sister who, you will notice, were not among those there. Here, you thought, was your chance, particularly to perhaps get through to your father, and he was there wanting to hear. And the speaker gave only a few unsatisfying words and so the opportunity was lost. Your searching for him did not result in your finding him, for he was not there to be found. You associated him in your mind with your friend and original inspiration Colin Wilson, who does too much and over-commits.
That is, you cannot count on others, however famous, to give those you care about what you think will help them. And, in working at delivering the message yourself, you know not to over-commit. And this was followed by the practicalities of getting out from under.
Thank you. That’s remarkable. I take it I might as well send all this out as part of the messages?
You are not the only person feeling overwhelmed by the burden of messages from the skies; not the only one who has looked outward for someone to explain themselves to those they loved, only to be disappointed and ultimately to realize that they themselves must do it if it is to be done. So, yes, this dream is no more merely personal than anything else in your lives.
Yes. While you were writing that — or I was taking dictation, whatever — I thought of a couple of people on this list specifically. If they take it as meant specifically for them, well, who’s to say it wasn’t?